If my son were to speak for himself and all the other children who came to their families as toddlers, he might tell you this:
Please learn as much as you can about me before you decide to be my Mom or Dad, so you won't be surprised about me. Don't think of me as a helpless infant, even though I may not yet be able to do all the things most kids my age can do. Don't treat me as if I am older than I really am just because I act as if I don't need you to take care of me. However, when I push you away is when I need you to hold me and tell me that you will never let me go. I had to learn to do many things for myself before you came into my life, and it's hard for me to learn to depend on you as much as I should. Please recognize and help me with my special needs, but remember that I am still a lot more like other kids than I am different. See me first as your child, not as your adopted child or a child with special needs.
Sometimes I feel really sad and really mad. Don't pretend that I don't have these feelings, and don't get discouraged when I take out my strong feelings on you. Most of the time I am not really mad at you, but you're the one who's here now and the one I can safely show my feelings to. I know in my heart that you didn't do anything to hurt me, but I get all mixed up.
My memories of other Moms and other places where I've lived are all in my mind, but they're stored in pictures, sounds, feelings, and even smells. I don't have the words to talk about these things. I can't figure out why that other Mom disappeared, and I'm worried that you might go away, too. I often have to test you because it's hard for me to believe that you won't leave me, too. In fact it's pretty scary for me to love you and trust you, so I might have to test your love the most when you start to be important to me.
Sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and be a little baby again so someone will take care of me. Other times I want to do everything by myself and I feel like running away from you. Please be patient. We have a long time together. After all, the really worthwhile things in life usually aren't very easy and they don't happen overnight.
While we cannot ensure a smooth transition, we can make a huge difference to most children's experience of adoption if we remain empathetic and mindful of the child's needs and concerns.
Copyright copyright 1997 Perspectives Press, Inc.
Here are just some random pictures of two of my nephews.
Charlie and Osby at Christmas
Little Osby - Looking Cute!
6 comments:
I really liked that book too. It took me a long time to get into it (has all that stuff about why families adopt toddlers and the baggage those families carry), but after I got through that part, it was great.
I HAVE to get this book!!!
We came home with our 3 year old in April. Many things in that book got me thru the adjustment period after we got home. It is a great resource for that aged child!I can't remember if I have posted on your blog before but we are The Kitzmans and we have a sweet boy from Zhezkazgan Kazakhstan. Our blog is http://kitzkazventure.blogspot.com/ Our adoption took place in Feb/March/April of 2007. Thank you for allowing us to follow your journey. It is a great one! Karen
I'm so glad you all are enjoying May Hopkins-Best's book Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft (copyright 1997 Perspectives Press, Inc.). I thought I'd just note that we are the copyright holder, not the New Zealand agency mentioned in the article, so if you forward this article, please make a note of that!
Also, we happen to have about 15 copies of this book in our Bargain Bin of just slightly scuffed copies available at a 50% discount (plus shipping) if anyone is interested!
Pat Johnston
Publisher
Thank you for sharing the book.
We also wish to adopt an older child and our dossier is about two weeks ahead of yours with the same agency. Maybe we will be traveling around the same time.
If you want to, contact us directly.
Love the book excerpt! And your pictures are just precious. :) Thanks for sharing!
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